Doing a 180
In the past few weeks, I’ve recieved a string of emails from friends who’ve decided to stop working so they can be home with their kids full-time. And last week it happened so much it reminded me of when everyone was losing their jobs in the dotcom bust in 2001. Only this time it was good news, except that my friend’s tone sounded just as worn out as the folks who had been laid off. A sample email read: After thinking it over, it’s time for me to stop trying to work full-time with two kids and just stay home a while.
These emails, gave me a lump in my throat each time. It was a mix of disbelief and jealousy. It was that same happy-sad pang I’d get when a friend got engaged while I was waitng for fatherblogger to give me a ring. Inside, I was genuinely pleased, thinking, you go girl! And then, naturally my next thought was to turn around and ask someone, myself, my husband, can I go too?
And then there was poor fatherblogger who innoccently asked me what was wrong over dinner that evening. See, in the movie version of my life he’d ask me what was up, I’d tell him about the emails versus my 50-hour work week and then he’d surprise me by announcing that he just got an enormous promotion so I could do whatever I want when I wanted. In the movie version of my life, I’d still work but I could take the summers off and spend them in a cute beach town, keep nannyblogger so we could go out to dinner and spend my days at the park with preschoolblogger and babyblogger and buy cute linen napkins in the charming stores in my neighborhood. (As you can see in the movie of my life, I don’t really need narrative arc.)
But fatherblogger didn’t come home with the big promotion and the truth is, I have an amazing job. I have the job that other women alway say: “Oh I want your job,” regardless of their age or current profession. My mom wants my job. I work with wonderful, suppportive, professional people who I really like and are happy to see on a regular basis. And yet there are still days when I want nannybloggers job.
So when fatherblogger asked me what was wrong that night I told him and we had, for the first time, not a fight, but a serious conversation about why he thinks I need to work. Yes, the money helps. New York is expensive, but he has a theory that I’ll share with you now.
Every morning I drop preschoolblogger off at camp and there are lots of stay-at-home moms there. I can tell because their tank top and khaki-mini skirt ensembles let you know they are not headed into midtown. And within that circle there are maybe one or two who wear what can best be described as a funky hat. You know what I’m talking about, it’s straw or cloth and it’s cute in a try-it-on-at-the-shop-and-laugh-with-a-friend kind of way. But these women don’t laugh and pull it off, they pay for it and wear it to drop thier kids off at camp. But once they’ve got the hat on, they no longer look like women, they look like well, like children. Which is where fatherblogger’s theory comes in: he doesn’t want me to stay home because he feels that sometimes when women stay home and are only surrounded by children all day tend they too become children themselves. And he thinks because I’m sort of an all or nothing kind of girl, I’d be on the fast track to the funky hat. And it scares him.
Now like I said, this is his theory. And since I work, I’m not really around that may stay-at-home-moms, except at preschool bloggers preschool when I was on maternity leave with babyblogger, but everyone there was extremely cool and fun and made me want to stay home forever. And I bring that up on a regular basis, but like I said, its his theory.
Or maybe that was just luck. Because I recently attended the blogher conference where I really, honestly thought I’d be able to connect with all these other mothers and bond over our shared blog experience when really all it just a popularity contest. And while the mommybloggers, individually seemed nice, as a group, they were about as interesting as 7th graders. And I liked Mean Girls and I can take a ton of cattiness, hell I work at a woman’s magazine.
And I just coudn’t figure out why these mommybloggers were so cliquey. Until I started to realize something, from what I could tell a lot of them don’t work and if they do work they work alone, freelancing or maybe just not with a ton of fun and funny women. They don’t get to laugh in the halls when someone is talking about a bad date, or a naughty child. They don’t have to stop the good time and shoo folks out of their office because they are on deadline, unless those folks are under three and belong to them.
My experience at Blogher was the exact opposite of what I had expected. Which is wonderful because it means I learned something. In the seminars where the focus was on women who had defined themselves in ways other than motherhood, like queercent, the gay financial expert and eggbeater, the chef who had wonderfully strong opionions about food and class and politics, I found a new appreciation for my job and the freedom it gives me. Do I hate the days when I only see my kids for three hours? Of course. Do I want to be with them more? Always. But I have to go to work because that’s what adults do, and I’m a grown woman and I intend to stay that way.
August 3rd, 2006 at 11:13 pm
I can’t believe I found this blog. Although I’m older and my kids are teenagers, I have (and had) a big job, full-time help, and not all that many concerns about it. I’ve stayed home sometimes (work in media isn’t always steady) but always with an itch to get back to grown-ups.
BlogHer would make my eyeballs itch.
August 4th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Go Motherblogger! As a colleague of yours and about to be 2nd time mom I am so happy you wrote this! And happy, too, at the comment you got. It’s nice to hear from the mother of a teenager that going to work is a good plan. It’s harder to know that when the kids are youngsters like ours. I was sort of dreading this morning bc my husband left at the crack of dawn to play golf and I was alone with my two-year-old, who is the easiest child on earth I think but I am literally nine months pregnant and it’s like 10,000 degrees in New York and I was wondering how I would get through my shower and getting dressed and her dressed and all and not have a breakdown. (Plus I had to take the subway to work because husband had the car.) Anyway, when my daughter woke up we had the most yummy delicious snuggle I’ve ever had with her. Though she barely fits on my lap right now for the snuggle. And she was a peach all morning. Brushed her teeth for the duration of my shower. So that perfect hour with her set me up for the entire day - even a decent subway ride. And I guess I felt like that’s enough. I don’t need the other 10 hours I am not with her. At least not right now.
August 4th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
This is such an interesting post. I came here because I remember your comment in the mommyblogger panel at BlogHer and thought it was hilarious. I was tracking with you through the first half of it. Such a great analogy about staying home versus working and the combo of guilt, happiness, relief, jealousy - you nailed it, mama.
As for BlogHer, sometimes I think there were two conferences, two parallel universes. I’ve been told about these cliquey popular stand-offish sahms and wow, I guess that just wasn’t my experience - or maybe I just havve learned to stay away from groups liek that. The women I enjoyed spending time with happened to be ambitious, articulate, funny, social, and smart. Whether they are current sahms or not, they are sharp and fun and above all, kind and welcoming.
I’m only sorry that we didn’t manage to connect this weekend. I think you would have had a great time. (And feel free to email me if you’d like me to point you towards their blogs.)
August 4th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
PS I’m usually better with the proofreading. Mea culpa!
August 4th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Wow. I’ve met working moms who are career-driven bitches, but I wouldn’t characterize all of you that way.
What I mean to say is…ouch. Was that really necessary? I’m a grown woman without a penchant for silly hats, despite my eleven years at home. I think we could have great conversations - as long as you weren’t too busy searching me for reasons to justify your choices. If I can accept your choice to work without shaking my head, why do you have to belittle me for my choice?
August 4th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
What’s a queercent?
August 5th, 2006 at 10:41 am
Kira,
Please don’t misunderstand my post: echoing your point: “I wouldn’t say all working moms are bitches” I don’t think all stay at home moms are nutty. I say that there’s a type of sahm who falls prey to that. And that my fear is that I’d become the nutty mom. I also say that I’ve met a bunch of sahm moms who I thought were amazing and I very much want to hang out with them all work week long. I’m simply trying to reconcile my own feelings about working and was trying to make sense of my experience at Blogher.
August 5th, 2006 at 11:37 am
Wow. Just….wow.
You summed up a lot of what I was feeling. What a conflicted weekend we both experienced, eh?
August 5th, 2006 at 11:44 am
I’m sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying. This statement seemed an indictment of what I do - “But I have to go to work because that’s what adults do, and I’m a grown woman and I intend to stay that way.”
Going to work isn’t the only adult option.
August 5th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
I just currently became a stay at home mom. I had baby #3 8 weeks ago and with two other children we just couldn’t afford the daycare. I live in North Austin and childcare here is pretty expense. I would literally have to make more than 60,000 a year to offset the cost of daycare. Anyways, I understand how working fulltime and longing to be at home with your child can weigh you down and how sometimes the decision to work versus staying home can be catty between women. When I had my daughter (9 yrs old now), I had to go work, when she was 2, her dad and I split. I was in college full time. Then I had to work 2 jobs and go to school with a toddler. There were times when I felt like I was missing out but what I did back then was to giver her a better life and now I feel that I did for awhile. An education always help to not have to work 2 jobs. Now I am married and the decision to stay at home was the better way financially. There are times when I envy those of you who get to go to work and talk to other adults and have the fun office humor. And then there are days I am grateful I get to take a nap at 1.00 after a really busy morning. Our decisions as mothers is never easy; and there are times we will feel the grass is greener on the otherside; all we can do is try to be happy in the decisions we make.
August 7th, 2006 at 3:42 pm
Thank you for writing this. You made my day. I am a full-time working mom, too, and boy can I identify with what you wrote. Thanks for sharing your true feelings. I’m sorry if Kira was insulted, but if I had a penny for every time I heard a SAHM say, “Why have kids if you aren’t going to raise them?” (referring to moms who work outside the home), I guess I’d be a millionaire by now.
August 8th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
I agree with Mom 101 in saying there seems to be 2 parallel conferences. I didn’t see the cliques becaue I basically met women and joined in from one group to another. I had fun because I met all types of bloggers and women of all choices–working in an office, at home, stay at home etc. I found them all to be delightful.
I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years by choice. I am sorry that you felt so many of us were “as interesting as 7th graders” because I found so many to be amazing smart women with incredible things to contribute. I admire women who work outside the home and love it, women who work at home, women who stay at home. Point being: thankfully, we all have THE CHOICE.
“But I have to go to work because that’s what adults do, and I’m a grown woman and I intend to stay that way.” ???????????????
I am now a work at home mom –a grown adult at that!–who is contributing substantially to my family’s income and am very proud of that. Shouldn’t choice be the important factor, not what choice we make? Just an observation.
March 12th, 2007 at 11:07 am
What an interesting blog. I only came across this article now, March 12, 2007. As a mom who is working NOT by “choice” (although I did chose to marry the man I did…) but out of absolute financial necessity it was an interesting read. Unfortunately I more than double my husband’s income and we hardly live a life of luxury in our 850 sq foot condo… but we also can’t survive on his $38K/year salary in the state of MA. I am the mother of a 20-month old son who has been working full-time with him in daycare since age 11 weeks. And I would give my RIGHT FOOT to be a sahm.
I envy ALL of you who are. And I know its not the most glamorous perhaps…. but take it from someone who is very much unwillingly on the other side, carrying the family financially on her back and all the pressure that comes with that, begrudginly taking her son to daycare - its no picnic either. I try and respect a woman’s deicision to work (when its truley a ‘decision’ and not a mandate) but I definitely will never understand it. What I wouldn’t give to be home full-ime for 5-6 short years…..