Comments on: Screaming is the new spanking

By: marjnhomer

marjnhomer — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 02:45:08 +0000

Great post. I need to find ways to stop yelling. I normally just go with the flow. I have stopped spanking and now use time outs. Hitting was never a solution in my book

By: waldir moreira

waldir moreira — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:41:19 +0000

I don´t spank now, but I did it before. I scream sometimes, but I have been reading and learning how to handle my two kids in a better way. I know that certain wounds last forever. Our children are not our slaves, are human beings that God gave us to watch over for some time.

By: Jenn Davis

Jenn Davis — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:35:09 +0000

Great post. Sounds like I’ll be meeting you on Wednesday. I guess maybe there is hope for me!

By: children assessment

children assessment — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:24:32 +0000

very interesting and informative post!!!

By: Luke

Luke — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:18:49 +0000

Hello everyone! I am NOT a parent (yet), but a guy in my early 20’s. I’ve read all of these posts and I’d like to say that I experienced a few different kinds of parenting strategies growing up. My parents were divorced, but when the three of us were in the same room, you could see how things would play out if they were still married. Parent “A” married way too young and was not ready to be a parent, and never got over that fact. They took it out on me day in and day out. I was hit, spanked, yelled at, SCREAMED at, whenever I did something wrong, even minor. I guess she thought this would work. When I look back, I was think I was a pretty good kid. Yeah, there were times where I pulled pranks or broke something in the house and needed to be disciplined in some way (a sharp tone would have worked, or a threat of grounding). When they yelled/hit, it didn’t make me think “Oh, I was wrong for doing that.” It just made me feel like a piece of crap. Until a few years ago I had EXTREMELY low self esteem because of this. Also, getting hit and yelled at made me only want to do it more, to spite this parent, because I begun to hate them, and eventually became extremely angry myself. Sometimes my anger could far surpass them. I have some good memories with this parent, but most of the time when I think back its like looking into a muddy puddle, I can’t really see anything and I’ve mostly blocked it out. HOWEVER, parent B was amazing. Parent B treated me with RESPECT from Day 1, and because of this I did the same. This doesn’t mean they let me do whatever I want or didn’t let me know when I was wrong. What they did was get really disappointed, and tell me why. I was given actual reasons for why what I was doing wasn’t right or was making them upset. This enabled me to think about it, feeling bad at first, and apoligizing/trying to fix whatever happened, but in the future I was able to think… “Oh.. I really shouldn’t do that because it is selfish, or because its not right.” or “I respect parent B and they really think I can do great things in life, so I should study for this test.” Of course, parent B wasn’t perfect, but somehow, the most well-adjusted part of me comes from that upbringing - not the hitting/spanking/yelling/degrading/grounding part of my upbringing. And if parent B yelled (which was very rarely), I knew something was really wrong (which it always was when this happened) and I listened. It was never loud yelling, just a raise in voice showing disappointment. I have not spoken to the first parent I mentioned in a while (about 5 years) because of this, and I am a much better person for it - I used to get in fights once a week in school, yell all the time, hated myself, and didn’t have many friends. Now I’m almost out of college and doing really well for myself, I am much less stressed, and I have a buttload of friends. I saw parent B the other day and we decorated the house for Halloween, and for a moment I thought back on all the fun things parent A and I used to do.. but realized that that there weren’t THAT many.
My advice is treat your kids with respect, explain to them why one choice is right and the other is wrong, yell at them only if you really have to, but never scream your lungs out - this is extremely scary, even to fully-grown adults. Grounding works sometimes - but doing chores is a much more effective punishment. Also, try to promote good behavior before the fact, not just deal with bad behavior or bad grades, etc the instant it happens, surprising you and upsetting you. For example, if they are a C student and you know they can do better, tell them that if they get A’s and B’s on the next report card, you’d be really proud of them (or offer to take them into a city or theme park for a day or two fun, or something along those lines). If grades or homework are a problem, help them with their homework, studying, and projects. Talk to their teachers about extra help after school. Different things work for different kids but… I don’t think there should have to be a reason to scream every day.

By: PrincessEdamame

PrincessEdamame — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:39:46 +0000

Finding this was perfect timing for me. Last night I screamed myself hoarse at our 5 year old. I felt bad for doing it, an he felt bad for his behavior that caused it. But I knew that he was probably acting up because he was tired, and I should have handled it differently. It’s really reassuring to see that I’m not alone, that others have the same difficulties, that most of us are trying to change it. Thanks, ladies.

By: Peggy

Peggy — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:52:41 +0000

I followed the link in the NY Times article my husband sent me. I felt tears in my eyes as I read this. I’m a screamer, too, and I just screamed at my 17 month old last night. I was pretty upset that on my way to work this morning my sister told me on the phone that I shouldn’t get mad at my daughter even when I’m tired. I hanged up on her after I told her “you think yelling was a choice by me??”

I feel extreme terrible and guilty every time after I yelled at my daughter. I didn’t know what to do with it, I even though if there was a surgery that could help me, I’d be gladly going for it! Now after I read this post, I know I’m not alone, there is something I could do, and I will.

It makes me think that us mother-screamers shall have a gathering, just like the AA meetings. Now I think about it, yelling is like achoholic, us yelloholic will have to work hard, one day at a time to be yell-free. I’m going to print myself a starchart. Starting today, I’ll work on it one day at a time. Thank you Francesca!

By: Mom In Progress

Mom In Progress — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:10:54 +0000

I like the idea of the Star Chart - hey why not? If it works, great. I’ll give it a whirl. I grew up with a one parent that yelled and one parent that didn’t. Tough to break out of the reactive mode of yelling that I seemed to have learned during my childhood..even though I remember saying that I would never do that and remembered how unreasonable how my father sounded when he started yelling and how unsettling it was. Sigh…then, I had 2 kids. Thanks for bringing this out to the open… I’m still a work in progress.

Thanks for the idea of checking in with yourself. I’ll try that too.
Your blog was much better than the PEP class I took for Anger Management. It was a bit disappointing, esp. since one of the instructors started to bad mouth one of their own classes (on giving kids time-outs).

By: Motherblogger

Motherblogger — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:07:35 +0000

For the record the star chart was a symbol, a mental thing I tried to do with mixed results. The best thing that worked was the whispering–they understand my emotions immediately and clearly when I do it.

By: Motherblogger

Motherblogger — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:04:57 +0000

Kristin,
Thank you for your comment, the not judging part is a huge component of this, and of course the shame, which you hit on perfectly with the oreo example.