A package arrived on our doorstep the other day. I hadn’t noticed it until I pulled in the driveway and thought okay so even though we are technically on “cheap week,” a week where we try to spend as little money as possible for fun and profit David went ahead and ordered a book from Amazon.

When I showed him the package he  insisted he hadn’t broken our austerity vow and then he said, “Oh my god it came!” He turned around handed me the package and said, “This, darling wife, is a very late Christmas gift for you.”

Inside was a book titled Haunted Air, a collection of anonymous Halloween photographs taken in America between 1875-1955. The photographs are eerie and charming and uncomfortable all the same time. You can’t stop looking at them. The book is irresistible.

It’s probably one of the most romantic gifts David could have ever given me, except for last year’s book, the Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death, a book of photographs of actual murder scenes recreated in dollhouses that were created by the first woman forensic scientist.

David knows that despite appearances I can be creepy on the inside. I love Halloween. I’d say it’s my favorite holiday, even though I feel obligated to love Christmas more. But I love Christmas the way you love your parents, it’s constant, sometimes disappointing and sometimes surprising and eventually you learn to take the good and forget the rest. Halloween is an infatuation. It’s all lust and fantasy—the candy, costumes, and wishing and waiting that you will really be scared. And judging from the photos in Haunted Air that’s all it’s always been that way.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one whenever I’m on webmd, a friend is not well or a neighbor’s kid has a bad case of diaper rash. I was recently sent this press release and I don’t think I’ve been more excited about a book launch since Judy Blume released Then Again Maybe I Won’t (the boy’s version of Are You There God? Its Me Margaret). My new bedside table companion is: the Hypocondriac’s Handbook, Symptoms and Illnesses That Should Have Killed You By Now, by Ian Landau.

I imagine this book will thrill and reassure me just the same way Then Again did. It will reveal all the dirty details of disease, I’ll tell myself I should stop but I won’t be able to to because illness, after real estate, is a fetish of mine. Soon after, it will become my life story as I quickly am struck down and (miraculously) recover from the most troubling ailments. Don’t worry about me though, I’ll make it through.  Its David my darling husband who will have suffer through my symptom obsession, he’s who you should be concerned about.

With detailed descriptions of each disease and its history, tips for self-diagnosis, and suggested

treatments, Ian Landau has given you everything you need to know to diagnosis yourself. So, don’t wait for next week’s episode of House, get a copy of The Hypochondriac’s Handbook and diagnosis yourself and your friends today! Discover which of these diseases you should have already died from by now.

About the Author

Ian Landau is a freelance writer who lives in Brooklyn, New York, with his family. He is not a doctor, but his two children don’t know that.

Hypochondriac’s Handbook

Syndromes, Diseases, and Ailments that Probably Should Have Killed You by Now

By Ian Landau

Skyhorse Publishing Hardcover Original

On Sale: July 13, 2010

I didn’t know what it was when I walked into my friend Stacie’s house on Sunday, either. All I could think was that she had  suddenly come down with Pica and was baking dirt hors d’oeuvres. I stared and she explained it was a Tie Fighter sausage roll from the Star Wars cookbook, Darth Malt and More Galatic Recipes and handed me one that was still warm to give to David who was waiting in the car. Apparently this book has been around for a long time and is well loved among devoted SW fans, but it’s very new to us. Clearly we absolutely have to have it. Here are some of names and photos of the home-cooked Tatooine treats you can make.

Protocol Droid Pasta

Star Wars pretzels (what child would refuse this snack?)

My kids don't like JarJar but they do like pickles.

Darth Malt. Yummy!

There’s nothing “fruit people”  (see the Uncrafty Mom post) about this food. I am certain if I get this book, it will count as playing Star Wars with them. Shopping can lead to quality time.