No, I’m not pregnant. But yesterday was pregnant with shopping possibilities at the Roberta Freymann sample sale. I was feeling queasy because I hadn’t been paid in a while and even though my mad-money check would probably arrive while I was at the sale, I’m trying to be more serious and honest with myself about what I really need and when. I knew that if I did  go there was no way I wasn’t going to spend, I mean pillow cases were $20! Dresses $30! Necklaces $75!

I also knew that if I didn’t go I’d feel also be sick with the anger only a freelancer can feel when she can’t go to a sample sale. So I took a Tagment and drove in to the city. I was in there by 10:42, it opened at 11. I was one of the first 50 allowed in, I think I was like 38 in line. Doors opened and I made a beeline for the jewelry table and that’s when I really wanted to throw up.

.

There were so many!  These necklaces were there, but honestly they weren’t the best ones. Then I found the necklace I had seen in her Southampton store. It felt like bumping into an crush. I almost blushed when I saw and asked the woman to bag it for me.

I was also going to buy a chunky rhinestone and tourlamine lilac necklace that’s very similar to the rhinestone and turquoise necklace I bought last year. It’s so gorgeous that when I wear it women stare at me, honestly sometimes I think they see it and get angry. That’s how spectacular it is. But my friend, Erin, who was there with me said, “You don’t want to be the crazy necklace lady and you already have one just like that.” She of course was right, but I held on to them both until I was at the cash register.  I chose the more modern, less glitzy necklace. Other women on line agreed it was a better pick.

Which leads me to another special thing about the this sale. As sample sales go, Roberta Freymann’s is always the friendliest and most supportive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s crowded, your arms ache you from carrying 30 kurtas. You bang into people, one woman brought her dog, which caused a lot of eye rolling and “How does she know I’m not allergic!” comments—but that was as bitchy as it got.  Other women brought their kids, which just made everyone else feel relieved their lives were slightly more pulled together. But overall women really root for each other at this sale.

Case in point: I helped at least three women pick necklaces, necklaces that I also wanted but knew looked better on them than me.

I stood next to a woman in handbags, we were both admiring an African printed purses with double pockets that had a weird barrel shape and she turned to me and said, “These bags are dumb right, we’re never going to find anything in them, and they are hard to close.” She read my mind! The bag may have been glam but it was a fast track to feeling frustrated over never being able to find metro cards, keys, etc. We both left them on the table and thanked each other for saving $50.

Maybe it’s the colors that make everyone happy. Maybe it’s that you really can’t lose at this sale. But I also think it’s because her clothes tend to be really unflattering. They are the most irresistible prints—truly, colorful mazes of summer and exotic destinations that you just want to wrap yourself up in. But the cuts rarely work for a real woman’s body, so when you find something that is flattering, it’s a victory—and everyone, slim, short, amazon, curvy—we all feel this way. The comradery is odd and wonderful upshot of what’s essentially poor design.

A group of women were trying stuff  while waiting in line, one was curvy and she kept trying on different dresses that made her look shapeless and dowdy. It was a string of rejected crazy caftans and peasant tops and shirred sundresses that are tight in the arms and too full in the skirt. And we were all laughing at how pretty something can look on the hanger and how awful it can look on a typical size 8.

In fact that’s how I scored this dress. It was a castoff of a woman on line. Erin tried it on, but it didn’t work, granted she was wearing a turtleneck, so I tried it on and it fit. When I got home I realized it’s too short for me so I may not ever really wear it but it felt like a prize at the time and it was only $30.

Tomorrow is the last day, it’s open to 3. And if you see a lilac rhinestone necklace, please get it and I’ll send you the check because I actually got paid today!

I was skimming my Google reader and I read the headline: “Dior Launches Scented Nailpolish” out loud and without missing a beat David turned to me and asked, “What does it smell like? Your finger?”

For the record, it smells like roses.

I just got this invite:

The website reads:

The Cellure
System

Once reserved for cutting-edge medical care, our breakthrough stem-cell research now rewires the signs of aging. Developed at the world’s top stem-cell facility, CELLURE holds five patents and one secret: a stop at turning back the clock.

You and I both know that there is going to be a hefty goody bag at this event. The kind from the heydays of SWAG. I’m thinking about the Neiman Marcus Holiday Preview when the gift bag was so heavy you had to hail a cab because the pointy edges of the shopping bag nipped at your ankles. Unfortunately I can’t go because we have tickets to Elvis Costello at the Welmont in Montclair—a show we have been looking forward to ever since I sat out in the sun one July morning waiting for an hour to buy tickets with my friend Erin. We hung around with our phones sending work emails probably earning a few wrinkles in the process, with a bunch of Montclairians who looked, well, how else can I say it, weathered. I’ll go to the concert but now my heart will be in Soho.

The Missoni launch at Target was a success if you measure success by being surrounded by lots of tan ladies with Van Cleef clover chains blatantly trying to cut you off from the melamine tabletop display with their carts. Bergen, Clifton, Livingston, Ridgewood are all sold out. By the time I arrived at 9am the Clifton store shelves were as barren as the water aisles before Irene. I fully underestimated the Jersey-Italian Missioni relationship. Of course its a sell out in Clifton and the lack of stock made some customers competitive if not down-right Chanel sample sale bitchy. I asked two women carrying bedspreads if they knew where there were home accessories, they said no and when I turned around I heard one say, “Run to towels!”

Lucky for me I saw the stock girl unloading some and I politely asked her if I could take the last turquoise two out of the box. How could I have been so naive? I tracked down a manager who told  me there were many more customers waiting outside at 8am for Missoni than for Liberty or rising star designers like Thakoon. They expected crowds but the speed, intensity and triple digit instant purchasing was unlike anything they’d seen in a while. But its not just Jersey. Another customer told me the site crashed at 4am and its still not working. Here’s the best of what was left.

Bike, $399. Bra, $20. The towels ($13) and notebooks ($3) I snagged.

Today is my second day at my new summer job and I really love it. But I think I may have turned off a few potential cube mates after answering a personal call. Here’s what a few new colleagues overheard, if they were even listening at 2:00 this afternoon.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Yes, five.”

“Oh no! Was it gruesome? Did the kids see it?”

“Of course I’d love to give you mine but two are roosters and we want to keep the others.”

“I know because they are freaking huge.”

“I think you do need to keep them in pairs, mine freak when they are all alone. Well Monica is leaving for Paris so she is probably ready to unload hers. We have a Bantam red and that awesome kind with the feathers on her feet, she looks like she’s wearing Alexander McQueen stilettos.”

“Ha! She is like a drag queen. Okay so now that I have you on the phone can I ask you: what about the R.A.T.S?”

“She does? Well she lives behind me maybe that’s why I had such a fucking awful problem last year!”

“I gave up on composting.”

“Okay that’s reassuring. We want to let them go free range.”

“3 dozen a week?”

“Oh really that long, I thought sooner.”

“No no I wouldn’t do that, I’m not into rushing anyone’s ovulation.”

“Okay so let me give you Monica’s phone number…”

I know chickens are being raised in Brooklyn, Queens and even on the Upper West Side, I just don’t think they have reached 4 Times Square—yet.

A few years ago Alex Kuczynski of the New York Times wrote an article about how the popularity anti-aging injections among twenty-somethings had a strange affect on the all the women of NYC. Everyone—from women in their 20s to women in their 50s were beginning to look the same age. She’d see an attractive woman and wonder is she an over-injected 28 year-old or a meticulously preserved 58 year-old? Age had suddenly become unnervingly unspecific.

Well Montclair may not have women clamoring for Restylane but there is a brand that is sweeping through this town and confusing everyone about the age and allure of it’s normally attractive residents. The culprit: The Land’s End bathing suit.

Wherever I go I see pretty women who are in great shape and still have perky breasts sporting geriatric Land’s End bikinis, tankinis, and one-pieces. These bathing suits do much more harm than good. They may make the wearer feel comfortable with her body and body issues but to everyone else these suits say, I don’t want to be looked at. I understand why and I have wanted that too—but these Land’s End bathing suits are so popular, they are EVERYWHERE at every beach, beach club and local pool it breaks my heart to think that so many women who have nice healthy hard-working bodies prefer not be seen than to draw attention to their figures, that are normal happy mixture of Michelle Obama’s arms, cellulite and tight hamstrings.

We all want coverage. We have to be able to bend over to pick up a screaming kid without a boob falling out or possibly even dive into the water to save a drowning child without getting a wedgy. I completely get the appeal of your bathing suit giving you as much coverage as a tennis dress. You’ve read my former posts. But I’m talking about something different here. I’m talking about, well I don’t know the term for it, but if I were to make one up it would be a take off on body dysmorphia like youth dysmorphia–where we feel older than we really are so we dress older and get rid of our sex appeal faster than we gave up our virginity in the 12th grade.

Now that our two-day heat wave has broken, let’s take the current thunder storms as an opportunity to regroup. If you are  considering buying a Land’s End bathing think about why, yes they are less expensive than other brands, but you’ll end up paying for it in sex appeal.  So where to shop? I know J. Crew is a tease. The suits look good on that freckled model you see in Garnett Hill but many of them fit weird. I know that Target is extremely discouraging unless you are 18. I know that many of you should be rocking Malia Mills but are afraid, as am I. But that shouldn’t stop us. It’s going to be a hot summer. The one thing I have realized, in all my fear and unpreparedness for summer is that is I still like to feel sexy and confident and look like I have sex on a regular basis—because I do and its awesome. So many of us are already driving minivans and while we all got a kick out the passing swagger wagon ads, we know they just can’t be made cool. Below are some sexy, fun, alternatives so that you don’t have to wear the swimsuit equivalent of a beige Odyssey.  Happy comparison shopping.

Lands End classic tankini

Versus a Tommy Bahamma strapless tankini…

Here I’m comparing the Lands End skirted bikini third from left to a…

knockout Diane Von Furstenberg ruched skirted bikini…

And lastly is a Land’s End striped halter bikini…

compared to a Marc by Marc Jacobs classic bikini

I thought the clover motif was fading but I was proved wrong at the New York Gift Show this past week, which is fine by me because I love it as much as I love cane motif, if not more so because it can be casual and elegant, whereas cane always feels casual.

Here were some of my favorite examples.

The booth of Mr. Brown used it on oversized pendants, pillows and mirrors. Oh and there were lots and lots of oversized pendant lamps. Lots!

At Oomph they used it in a darling side table and on dainty serving trays.

World’s Away is a company that’s been flirting with the clover motif for a while but even they couldn’t resist putting it on a trash bin.

More trends to come: look for British flags, exotic prints and oversized light fixtures.

Yesterday, lots of friends mentioned how much they liked Decor Club’s tip of hanging a landscape over the mantel to draw guests into a room. It is a useful tip, the only issue I have with it is that I like to change my mantel with the seasons. Once you invest in an important piece of art and hang it over your mantel the painting can feel as permanent as wallpaper.

Art doesn’t have to fixed in one spot forever thanks to my favorite art site, 20×200, that sells original works at reasonable prices allowing you to mix and match your mantel with your moods.  Here are a few of my current favorites and the season’s I’d hang them in.

In winter…

Lisa Congdon, Birch Forest No. 7, 11×17, $50

In spring…

Paul Octavious, Kite Hill, 11×17, $50

In Summer…

It’s a toss up between these two:

Both by Thomas Prior, top, Diving, bottom, Wave, 11×17 $50

In Fall…

Jospeh O. Holmes, amnh #62, 16×20, $200

In spite of my redecorating resolutions, January is typically a low shopping month for me and my family. After the gifting and excess of Christmas it feels good to not to need or want anything, and of course we are trying to get back on budget. That is until the sales start and I get that “oh that’s a really great deal” pang. This year David and I talked about it and I’m going to be prudent and sit out the “blow outs” and watch as others take advantage of 70% off with abandon. I’m fine with it because I have a plan, instead of starting a Christmas fund, I am going to start a post-Christmas fund so that next year I can snag some great deals without feeling guilty, lying about the price or hiding them from my darling husband until spring, which is how things usually work around here. To quote 16 Candles, “I can still look, I just can’t touch.” so If I were out there shopping, here are few things I would have snatched up this week:

These totally amazing mid-century candlesticks are on sale at onekingslane for $45. I know, right? Only $45? Unfortunately for me its “cheap week” when David and I make a game out of saving our pennies by competing to see who can spend less money each day and whipping up kooky meals with the food that’s in our pantry and fridge rather than going to store. I love them but I love beating David at cheap week more.

I am obsessed with crisscross ottomans and this one is gorgeous. Whenever I see one at Home Goods it is usually in faux leather and never looks as lush as this one in velvet. Yes, its pricey, but for the real thing it’s a steal. It was $650 now only $350! jaysonhomeandgarden.com

I have the same dining room fantasy many do—a fabulous vintage table with clear dining room chairs. The Stark “Louis” versions are out of reach when you need to buy seating for 10 but at $169 you could rationalize these! zgallerie.com

I’d also like to decorate myself, for $30 marked down from $70 this is a hellaluva bauble! anthropologie.com

Okay and I don’t usually go in for taxidermy but as exotic pets go this is quite the showstopper. Now $900 from $1500. Its also abundantly clear that not actualizing these discounts is making me lose my grip on reality. jaysonhomeandgarden.com

I’m not a doctor, but I play one whenever I’m on webmd, a friend is not well or a neighbor’s kid has a bad case of diaper rash. I was recently sent this press release and I don’t think I’ve been more excited about a book launch since Judy Blume released Then Again Maybe I Won’t (the boy’s version of Are You There God? Its Me Margaret). My new bedside table companion is: the Hypocondriac’s Handbook, Symptoms and Illnesses That Should Have Killed You By Now, by Ian Landau.

I imagine this book will thrill and reassure me just the same way Then Again did. It will reveal all the dirty details of disease, I’ll tell myself I should stop but I won’t be able to to because illness, after real estate, is a fetish of mine. Soon after, it will become my life story as I quickly am struck down and (miraculously) recover from the most troubling ailments. Don’t worry about me though, I’ll make it through.  Its David my darling husband who will have suffer through my symptom obsession, he’s who you should be concerned about.

With detailed descriptions of each disease and its history, tips for self-diagnosis, and suggested

treatments, Ian Landau has given you everything you need to know to diagnosis yourself. So, don’t wait for next week’s episode of House, get a copy of The Hypochondriac’s Handbook and diagnosis yourself and your friends today! Discover which of these diseases you should have already died from by now.

About the Author

Ian Landau is a freelance writer who lives in Brooklyn, New York, with his family. He is not a doctor, but his two children don’t know that.

Hypochondriac’s Handbook

Syndromes, Diseases, and Ailments that Probably Should Have Killed You by Now

By Ian Landau

Skyhorse Publishing Hardcover Original

On Sale: July 13, 2010